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Five Books to Terrify Annoying Children

Problem: You have been ambushed by your friends to babysit their kid on Friday night. They don’t want to pay a 15 year old $12 an hour, and you want to be nice, so you agree and refuse to take their money. After all, you are a good friend. However, there is just one little thing: you hate children. Well, you don’t hate them, you just really can’t stand them. Their grubby little hands freak you out, and they refuse to be quiet for more than twenty seconds when they show you how long they can hold their breath.

You may kind of hate kids after all.

Solution: To ensure that none of your friends will ever ask you to babysit their children again, just read them one of these super creepy kids books below. Trust me, after the parents come home to sobbing children who refuse to let go of their arms and insist on sleeping in the master bed for at least two weeks, you will never be asked to babysit again.

So you probably know that you shouldn’t charge an elephant or ride a manatee, but did you also know that smiling at a monkey is a sign of aggression that may prompt an attack?  Your nieces and nephews have to grow up sometime, and after they read this book, they’ll steer clear of all animals, including the family golden retriever and that stupid, stupid goldfish.

In this fun little tale, each of the 26 children featured die a ridiculous death, such as falling down stairs or choking on produce.  This book will not only terrify your friends’ kids, but will petrify your friends as well!  Double points for you!

Ok, so this is probably the most disturbing book on the list because it describes a phenomenon that many people think actually happened.  Evidently, a bunch of people lost their collective minds in the 1980’s and believed that children were being systematically abused as part of some growing Satanic movement.  The FBI launched a massive investigation, and even though they could find no evidence that any such thing ever happened, people were still convinced their little cherubs were made part of some Satanic cult.  But at least there was a children’s book written about it, right?

Zombies are awesome, and maybe if kids read enough zombie books when they are little, they won’t be tempted to read books about morose glittery vampires when they become preteens.

What’s Under the Bed? is a classic, and one sure to frighten the wee ones.  I would be sure to take this copy home with you once you leave though–you don’t want to be too obvious about your devious intentions.

Happy reading and sweet dreams!


  • Would think that Belloc’s Cautionary Tales for Children would be in the mix. Maybe not Little Willie quatrains, they’re for another day.

  • Thanks for the input, Harry! I was going to include that in this list, but I couldn’t remember the title. I think Dwight Shrute read a fictional version to a bunch of children in the show, The Office, and it was hilarious.

    One of our coworkers here at Biblio also suggested the books of Slovenly Peter, which have been scaring children in German as well as English!

  • Who ever came up with the idea to further scare children in this already abusive to children world is absolutely nuts! Instead of continuing to try to annoy a troubled child how about read them a story about how being a good person makes them happy and every one around them? Drrrr there’s an idea! Where do you think a child learns to be annoying, and misbehave? From dopes that come up with ways to further scare, annoy, and show them how to retaliate , all coming from the dumb idiot ADULT reading them a scary book!
    And we wonder why they’re annoying ??? REALLY??
    To think all I was doing was reading up on some good books of people in history and how they overcame hard times, and then I see this , and how to annoy a child!

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