Horrible Gifts for Wedding Showers

If you’ve ever been to a wedding shower, you are most likely familiar with the long and uncomfortable tradition of watching quietly while the future bride opens a bevy of wedding gifts.  They can range from boring to quasi-scandalous, but they are rarely original.  From expensive blenders to edible underwear, you can see the gifts coming from a mile away.

God, you hate weddings.

Well, we can guarantee that if you give any of these books at a wedding shower, you’ll never be invited to another wedding again:

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You just want your friend to be safe, and you’ve been worried ever since you found those small animal carcasses outside her fiancé’s home.  You’ve seen hundreds of episodes of Law and Order, and you know the signs.

And you always wondered what happened to your friend’s hamster…

 

 

 

Why just prolong the inevitable, right?  Edward Cullen isn’t real, but at least her fiancé is willing to act out her Twilight fan fiction.  He may be bald, but at least he isn’t Donald Trump.  He may be a right-wing nut job, but at least he isn’t Donald Trump.  He may be awful with personal finance, but at least he isn’t Donald Trump.  He may very little manners and questionable hygiene, but at least he isn’t Donald Trump.

 

 

 

You know the truth, and now it’s time to be honest.  His face tattoos, his weird obsession with ferrets, and his willingness to be part of medical trials is weird and your friend can to do better.

 

 

 

Give your friend this book with a small, unlabeled bottle of rat poison.  Just wink and don’t say a word.  Be sure to wipe your fingerprints off both the book and the bottle before handing them to her.

 

 

 

Her fiancé “works lots of nights and weekends” and “schmoozes clients” at various cocktail bars around town.  So considering current divorce rates and her fiancé’s medical history and shady legal past, you just want her to be prepared.