The Art of Cheating - 2007

Excerpt

introduction

Whether we want to admit it or not, cheating is an inescapable part of the human condition. Some of us are more comfortable than others acknowledging this fact, but it's still a fact, plain and simple.

There's no shortage of people who like to claim that they lead lives above reproach. You know the type: God fearing, seemingly honest, quick to tell others when they're straying off the path, certainly not likely to identify themselves as cheaters. But they are. We all are. Everyone is guilty of telling little white lies or devising secret ways to get ahead when the right moment arises. It doesn't matter if you're fibbing a little so that your wall-eyed colleague doesn't feel bad ("No, really, no one can tell"), or if you stole a recipe to win the county bake-off just once. Even if you're usually on the up-and-up, those little lapses land you squarely in cheater country. Despite our best efforts, we're all cheaters in our own ways.

Still think you're not a creepy little cheater? Are you shaking your head as you read this and saying "Oh, no, I'd never do that!" Think again. Remember when you got your college roommate to write that homework assignment for you? How about when you weren't really cheating on your significant other because you were "on a break"? That's right, folks, you were cheating. And don't even get started trying to justify that time you claimed your dog as a dependent on your tax return. That was cheating too. Getting away with it, whatever "it" may be, is cheating.

Even though you're cheating a little bit every day, chances are you could be doing it better. Why settle for a minor promotion when you could have the corner office? Why bother taking the loose change out of your friend's couch when you could be making the big bucks forging checks? If your answer is that you just don't know how, look no further. This is the book for you.

In the pages of this little tome, you'll find a guide to grifting, a sourcebook of sophistry, and a bible of bunco. Everything the modern mountebank needs to know to pull off the most essential cheats can be found in these pages. Every cheat has been numbered for your easy reference and reading pleasure. You will, however, notice that they are in no easily discernible order. This is much like life, as the ways in which we cheat and the reasons we decide to do so don't follow any particular patterns either. As you leaf through this book, let the myriad ways in which you can get one over on the other guy surprise and entertain you as you stumble on them, just as you will stumble on opportunities to exercise your new shady talents after reading this book. You'll also find that the information in each chapter has been neatly laid out in an easy step-by-step format so you can be up and running in no time with your new and improved life of chicanery. Feel free to mix and match your cheats at will. A life without artful cheating isn't a life worth living.

If the above statement fills you with horror, and you're truly one of the few people left on earth who shun sharp practice, don't despair. You'll be glad to know that every cheat in this book includes a section on protecting yourself from that particular type of flimflammery. Read carefully, lest you leave yourself open to the wily ways of your fellow readers.

Now that you're fully briefed on what this guide to skulduggery has in store for you, dearest con artists and marks alike, read on. And don't forget to keep looking over your shoulder. There's always someone a little sharper and a little cagier right behind you.

cheat #1

faking an orgasm

Baby, You're the Greatest

Rules of etiquette apply in all sorts of situations, and while Emily Post may never have weighed in on this particular topic, bedroom activity is no exception to the rule. Egos can be particularly fragile and emotions can run high while couples are in the throes of passion, and most people know that it's just as important to make your partner feel good emotionally as well as physically.

This is easy to do when you've got the lover of the century who can be a relentless sex machine while simultaneously delivering sweet nothings in your ear. Sweet nothings that are a delicious melange of Penthouse Forum smut and Hallmark sentiment. Of course you'll affirm someone who's hitting the mark perfectly on a regular basis. It's like playing tennis with a player who's better than you. You feed off their game, they feed off yours, and so on and so on. What happens, however, when your lover is a dud? What's a right-thinking person to do when his or her sweetie is so lackluster in the sack as to be yawn inducing? Even worse, what do you do when they know they're a snore and keep trying (dear God) and trying and trying and trying? You get them to stop. And there's one sure way to get anyone to simmer down and call it a night: fake that orgasm and beg for rest.

Sure, you could keep trying until you actually reach the final denouement, but if your lover is truly awful, it's not likely that this is going to happen. You could try to show him or her what needs to be done, but if you've been going at it so long that the opportunity for the usual moment for release has come and gone, it's best to relax and live to fight another day.

So go to it, people. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, where there's a will there's a way. Learn to fake it and get on with your life.

The Upside

Cheating of any kind can be a moral dilemma for most people. Even so, it's much easier to rationalize small lies or lies of convenience, while the big ones can eat away at you. Faking an orgasm, for most people, falls squarely in the "little white lie" category. It can be argued that faking an orgasm is tantamount to saying that you love someone's new acid-washed jeans, or that their poetry is the best you've ever heard. It makes the other person feel good and doesn't really add any negative karma to the world -- it's a small kindness that greases the wheels of social (and sexual) intercourse.

Although a bit less altruistic, there are a handful of other (no less valuable) bonuses to cheating your way through a particularly unsatisfying sexual encounter. Getting some much needed sleep is generally the most popular response (and actually trumps the desire to spare a lousy lover's feelings). Considering that at last count 62 percent of Americans are sleep deprived, calling it quits when the going gets too tough is a fairly sensible thing to do.

Reclaiming your valuable time and spending it well is another good reason to pull the plug when your libido isn't showing any signs of life. Although Woody Allen once professed that "even my worst orgasm was right on the money," many people these days beg to differ. Living in a nonstop world of work and family obligations has made most people value their time and keep an eye on the clock in a more serious way than ever before. So, at the end of the day, no sex can be better than bad sex. Given the choice of letting someone pull out all his or her lackluster stops, or catch up on a little reading (even watching a rerun of CSI), go for the reading. You'll get more out of it in the end.

Finally, it's time to call it quits when you're so sore that you just can't go on. Going numb from the waist down is a surefire sign that it's time to gear up with your performance so that you can let your lover down easy. It's great to know when you've had enough not only so that you can move on with your life, but you'll also avoid a lot of discomfort down the road. So what's the upside, exactly? Escaping the indignities of pulled groin muscles, rampant chafing, urinary tract infections, and emotional meltdowns, to name a few horrors that can come (or not come) from a night of fruitless tugging and rubbing. These are all avoidable perils for the covert faker.

The Downside

Obviously, anytime you tell a lie, you are potentially driving a wedge between yourself and your loved one. Honesty is the cornerstone of any good relationship, and any lie, no matter how small, could wind up biting you in the behind (and we know that's probably what you wish your misguided lover was doing). Essentially, once your lover finds out that you've been faking it in bed, it opens the door for his or her imagination to run wild with other potential lies you may or may not have told. Why was the mailman so happy to see you this morning? What was up with that dental hygienist winking like that? The possibilities are endless. What seems like a good idea at the time (no more pulling, please!!) may wind up requiring more explaining and reparations than you're willing to dish out in the long run.

Your attempt to save your partner's ego could backfire. If you're constantly faking orgasms to get out of going-nowhere sex, your partner will catch on. You'll slip up somehow, and they'll know that the last so many months spent in bed together have been less pleasure party and more your audition for a SAG card. What was initially designed to save your partner's ego and alleviate all the aforementioned indignities of tolerating a bothersome boink will just make your honey sad and depressed and leave you in the doghouse.

The end result of all this? You'll wind up alone again (perhaps not the worst fate if the sex was so awful), or, even worse, you'll get dragged to sex seminars and couple's therapy. Either way, sex should be fun, and the agita resulting from your little white lie will most certainly not be worth all the trouble. Unless you can pull it off.

Tools of the Trade

There are very few props necessary to pull this off. All you really need is a few acting chops and a little chutzpah. You should, however, try to get your hands on:

1. Mirror

2. Ex-boyfriend or girlfriend

3. Condom

4. Kegel exercises

Ways and Means: How to Pull It Off

1. Getting your game face on -- First things first. Do you know what you look like when you're getting down and dirty? Be honest. Thought not -- most people don't. Unless you're a happily self-aware narcissist or exhibitionist, and you've got a mirror installed in the perfect spot to check yourself out mid-shtup, you can't even begin to think about pulling this cheat off successfully. As with all method acting (start to think of yourself as the Brando of the bedroom), you have to be as true to life in your actions as possible if anyone's going to buy your performance. Assuming that you've had an orgasm at least once in front of your lover (even if you had to produce it yourself), you've established a baseline understanding of what you look like when you're experiencing le petit mort. Any deviation from this will be a tip-off that you're being less than honest about how much you're enjoying yourself. So a mirror and a self-pleasuring session in the bathroom (time to pull out the Rabbit, ladies?) will clue you in to what grimaces, sexy pouts, or vacant stares you should be trying to replicate at the big anticlimactic moment.

2. The gift of Gab -- Not only are people distinctive in the way they look during sex, but what they say is rather telling as well. There are legions of shouters, screamers, babblers, announcers, and criers out there who can shake your bedroom walls, not to mention the nerves of your neighbors. Then again, there are the silent types. These people could get it on behind enemy lines, and no one would ever be the wiser. Which one are you? Have you ever paid attention? Have you gotten feedback from former lovers ("Why can't you just be quiet?" "Speak up -- I don't know what you like!") that can guide you? Think about it, as a sudden shift from meowing to mute will tip off your bed partner to the fact that something's afoot. You must remember to remain consistent.

3. A special "heads-up" for the guys -- As we all know, unprotected sex with a man will result in certain evidence of whether or not he's had a satisfactory ending. Unprotected sex in this day and age is a bad idea to begin with, but it's a particularly bad situation to be in if you've got to fake an orgasm. When you're trying to get an unsatisfactory sexual partner off your junk and out of your bed, it's absolutely possible to fake an orgasm using the right grimaces and vocalizations. But you'll really seal the deal if the moment you've "finished" you race to the bathroom to pull off the condom, thus protecting your lover from the shattering news that your Trojan is as empty as the day is long. If you can't manage this swift sprint from bed to bathroom, or aren't using condoms, you do have one other possible excuse for your lack of spooge. Thanks to Sting and the constant flaunting of his tantric sex life, those in the know are clued in to the fact that men practicing tan-tric sex can redirect the flow of their genetic matter and actually avoid ejaculating altogether. If you happen to be a fast talker or particularly cool under pressure, go ahead and tell your lover that he or she was a participant in the most mind-blowing tantric sex session of your life. Of course there's no evidence of your orgasm! You've internalized it for energy conservation and future hot loving!

4. Love lifts us up where we belong -- The wondrous effects of Kegel exercises have been touted by women for years. Having problems with incontinence? Do Kegels. Want to have an easier time giving birth? Do Kegels. Kegel exercises (aka pelvic floor exercises) consist of the regular lifting/clenching and lowering/unclenching of the muscles of the pelvic floor, resulting in a tighter hoo-ha and less likelihood that you'll pee on yourself when you sneeze. Another fabulous by-product of doing your fifty Kegels a day, ladies, is that you can become a blue-ribbon orgasm faker. When a woman has an orgasm, there are internal indicators that coincide with all the external goings-on. That rhythmic inner clenching is a definite signal to whoever's going spelunking in your lady bits that you're having a swell time. If your benighted love monkey isn't making that happen naturally, a few well-timed Kegels will convince him or her that the smile on your face is genuine and all is right with the world.

Most Likely to Succeed

If you don't give a fig for the person you're in bed with, chances are you won't bother faking it. If it's a one-night stand who's boring you to tears, it's easier to just give them the boot and let a warm TV lull you to sleep. The best fakers are those who really care for the person they're treating to this Oscar-worthy performance. These cheaters are motivated to keep their honey's ego intact. Extra points go to those who have had a few acting classes (even workshop at theater camp counts), as they've probably worked on their technique a little. Not suffering from shame or embarrassment helps too. Once again, theater camp or talent show experience comes in handy. If you've ever had to tap dance in a leotard and bow tie to "Puttin' On the Ritz" in front of a few hundred other middle schoolers, you'll be able to writhe around a little for the good of your relationship.

Catching Orgasm Fakers at Their Own Game

Look into your lover's eyes. Deeply. Does he or she seem just a little bored? Does that faraway look turn out to be, at closer inspection, an inventory of your ceiling tiles? Is your loved one's passion for you still white-hot, or does it just seem, well, a little clammy? As "The Shoop Shoop Song" tells us, "it's in his[/her] kiss." You can check the bed for telltale stains, you can search for a full-body flush or deep inner clenches, but the only way to know for sure is if you're in tune with your partner. If your sweetie seems bored, disinterested, impatient, frustrated, finicky, tolerant, or, even worse, bemused, it's because they're not getting what they came for (so to speak). How to solve this dilemma? Be brave and ask what's wrong -- then ask for instructions.

Would I Lie?

Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands conducted a neurological experiment on orgasms in 2005 with thirteen heterosexual couples aged nineteen to forty-nine. One person lay down with his or her head in a scanner while their partner manually stimulated them, and the doctors took brain scans of each individual while they had an orgasm. They also had the women fake orgasms, so they could compare the scans. The results showed that in a fake orgasm, the brain's motor cortex was very active, whereas during a genuine orgasm, the portions of the brain that control fear and anxiety were deactivated along with the motor cortex -- meaning that actual orgasms are not conscious. For men, the most highly active areas of the brain were those that interpret touch.

Some orgasm-faking stats: According to the 2000 Orgasm Survey, 72 percent of women and 26 percent of men have faked an orgasm at least once, and 55 percent of men say that they can tell if their partner is faking. In a survey on Queendom.com (answered by more than fifteen thousand people), 70 percent of women and 25 percent of men admitted to faking it at least once. Seventy-three percent of women say that they can tell if their lover is faking an orgasm, and 61 percent of men think that women can tell. While 55 percent of men claim to be able to tell if their partner is faking it or not, only 23 percent of women thought that their partners could tell the difference between their real and fake orgasms.

In a study about female orgasms, researchers Richard Alexander and Katharine Noonan argue that female orgasm is less necessary than the external sign of an orgasm, or "faking it." The reasoning for this is based on a theory by William Bernds and David Barash (published in 1979), which correlates the rate of orgasm to spontaneous abortion and claims that the female orgasm was developed as an evolutionary strategy in order to kill the unborn infants of men from other tribes or invading countries who raped the local women. According to Alexander and Noonan, the woman's gasps and moans are enough to alert her suspicious mate that she is carrying another man's baby, so he will pleasure her to climax in order to induce an abortion. Hence, faking an orgasm is the only thing that makes evolutionary sense. Perhaps Noonan just needs to have real orgasms more often!